Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

When I was a kid, I always tried to get away with not doing something. Whether it was my chores, schoolwork, helping around the home, or anything else you can think of that a kid wouldn't want to do, I kept looking for a shortcut. My mother took note of all the corners I cut and would tell me, "Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades." She'd then send me on my way to complete whatever it was I was half-assing.

Why am I sharing this story? One reason is that it shows how simple parenting can be. With just a few words, my mom helped me learn how important it is to put in a good effort. She let me know that what I did mattered. Another reason I'm sharing it is that it's a perfect example of how my mom still helped me even when she made mistakes; in this case, "close enough" is okay a lot of the time, including in parenting.

On this blog, my goal is to talk about parenting and what it means to be a good parent—a good enough parent, one who makes mistakes but never stops aiming for the target.

Being a "Good Enough" Parent

As a therapist and a police officer, I've encountered many families where the parents blame themselves for their children's issues. Many parents can be critical of themselves for things they feel they could have done differently. The not-so-good things can leave lasting impressions but conversely the positive things leave wonderful lasting impressions as well. And that's okay.

We worry so much over how we might "mess up" our kids by making the wrong choice, when all kids really need is one parent who is good enough. What does that mean? If you're looking for specifics, researcher Susan Woodhouse at Lehigh University found that caregivers "only have to 'get it right' 50 percent of the time" to have a positive impact on their children.

It's actually good for a child to have a parent who makes mistakes on a regular basis. Psychologist Donald Winnicott first developed his concept of the "good enough mother" or "good enough parent" in 1953, when he saw how parents inadvertently helped their children learn by "failing them in manageable ways," as Carla Naumburg puts it. As adults, we have to deal with disappointment, frustration, and not getting our way on a regular basis, and we get our first lessons in emotional self-regulation by learning how to cope when our parents disappoint us.

My mom was right to let me know how my half-hearted efforts were received by others, and what she was saying was for me to do my best. And that is the difference. Doing a good enough job, hitting the target but not the bull's eye, actually gets you pretty far in a lot of areas of life. Kids don't have to be perfect to accomplish goals like graduating from school or being good people, and it's the same for us as parents, too. My mom's humility and ability to admit when she could have done better helped me learn how to be a better person and made her a better parent.

What Children Need to Succeed

Research shows that children only need one strong, supportive adult in their lives to be resilient. They need just one person they can attach to, trust, and love, who will guide them through adolescence and into adulthood. They don't need a perfect parent or a perfect life to be happy and healthy. They just need someone to be there for them, to support them and love them for who they are, someone they can rely on and be safe with.

So give yourself a break and stop judging yourself based on families who share about their seemingly perfect lives on social media. In a world where everyone is trying to be the perfect parent, the reality is, no one is. The neighbors and old friends you see on Facebook and Instagram sharing the most amazing parts of their lives are leaving a lot out of the picture. They aren't at the beach or a concert or doing other impressive activities all the time. They aren't always together and aren't always in perfect harmony. They're having the same issues you are, but they don't share those parts of their days online for all to see. They might even be struggling more than you are!

We need to be compassionate with ourselves and one another. It's easy to judge, but we rarely judge others knowing their full situation. In today's world, most families have parents who work full time. Money is tight, schedules are tighter, and societal expectations are higher than they have ever been. Many children are growing up in single parent households. Many others are being raised by a grandparent or another family member besides a parent. Those things are absolutely okay, and you’re okay for being where you are.

People in a wide range of situations can raise children who do well. You don't have to have a nuclear family or a perfect family. You don't have to be a perfect parent who gets it right 100 percent of the time. You just need to be there for your kid. Most people don't plan on getting a divorce, or working 50 hours a week, but it happens. We have to deal with it the best way we can and work through the issues we face. When we do, and let our children know we love them, they learn how to be strong, too.

Making the Most of the Time You Have Together

The things kids need from parents are love, acceptance, support, security, safety and time. Notice that I didn't say a cell phone, a car, a certain toy or game, or any of the other crap that we feel pressured to give our kids! The most important things we can do are to be there for our kids, listen, teach them, and give them our attention. Here are a few ideas for how to use your time together to connect and to deepen your relationship:

Go for a 15- to 30-minute walk with your kids several times a week. This gets you out of the house and exercising together. It also gives you some screen-free time to build the bonds and connections that your children need.

Spend 30 minutes or more a day playing with your child. Make this a non-learning, non-lesson play session where you can simply have fun with your child. This not only strengthens your bond, but also helps you escape your own troubles for a while.

Play a board game with your child. Let them pick which game you play and let them make up the rules.

Have your child help you prepare a meal for the family. Make it light-hearted and fun as well as a learning experience.

Let your older child share some of the music they like and share some of your own music, too!

Work together on projects and chores you need to do around the home.

When your kid asks for help with their homework, try to help. Be patient with them and with yourself.

Color or do some kind of art with them. Coloring can help both of you learn relaxation skills. All you'll need is a mandala book and fine tipped markers. If you both have the time and inclination, you can take on bigger projects where you both can let your creativity shine.

Play with Play-Doh or clay and make up a story about whatever you make.

Watch a movie snuggled up next to each other. You can go with something light-hearted or a movie that relates to something your child has been asking about or going through.

Share stories about your day and talk about the good things that happened. Also talk about the bad things that happened and how you dealt with them.

Go for a nature walk and look at all the things outside: the bugs, leaves, dirt, and rocks. If you and your child are both interested, you can try to identify and learn about what you find.

There are many apps that can identify plant and animal species from pictures.

When you're working a lot and can't always be home, there's still a lot you can do. Sometimes parents defeat themselves by thinking they can't do certain activities with their kids unless they have hours to spare. A lot of the above activities can be done in just 15 or 30 minutes and can give you as much of a boost as your kid! But if you can't quite find the time to go for a walk or do art with your kid, it's okay. There are other ways you can connect and show that you care.

Here are a few ideas for busier times:

• Leave notes for your kids in their lunches so that they'll find them when they're at school or daycare.
• If you're working late, try to FaceTime or call them when they get home, even if it's just for a few minutes. Let them know you're thinking of them.
• If you're home for dinner together, set aside that time to connect and talk to each other about how your days went instead of turning on a screen. Even if your kid protests, stick to it. That time will mean more to them than they realize.
• During your day, if you see something that you think would interest your kid or make them laugh, like a weird bug or cute dog, take a picture and show them when you get home.
• When your weekdays are really hectic, give you and your kids something to look forward to on the weekend. Schedule "date time" together just for you and them. If you can do individual "dates" with one child at a time, that's great. If not, just make it a family event. (See the above lists for some "Family Date Night" ideas.)

When Your Child Needs You Most

When your child is frustrated and upset or acting out, don't get discouraged. Even if you don't have a lot of time, there are things you can do to let them know that you care. Try to keep calm and talk to them about what's going on. Responding with curiosity instead of anger can prevent unnecessary fights. If you can figure out what it is that upset them, your response is more likely to be effective.

If you can, approach the issue with an attitude of openness and curiosity. Instead of saying, "Why are you being like this?" say, "I see that you're really upset and want to know if there's anything I can do to help. What's going on?" You want the behavior to stop, but you also want to help your child learn how to deal with difficult feelings. So once the situation is under control, don't go straight to punishment. By giving your child a chance to talk about what happened, you create an opportunity to talk about how to avoid or deal with similar situations in the future.

Be with them when they're hurting—that's when they need you most. Instead of putting them in a time out, use a time in! When they are upset they need you to guide them through their feelings so they can learn how to do the same for themselves when you're not there. If they're too upset to talk, simply sit with them until they calm down then talk to them about it. Comfort them with a hug or back rub. They also learn from watching you, so show them how to handle a situation without losing your temper.

Avoid escalating the situation by venting your own anger. Give yourself a moment alone if you need one before trying to talk to your kid. Have you ever conceded or won an argument when you were screaming? Now imagine that child in the same situation. You'll get further if you can be truly compassionate, understanding, and empathetic with them, no matter how silly their complaint seems to be. After all, it's not so much about them not getting the ice cream they wanted. It's about learning how to cope with disappointment and frustration.

When "Close Enough" is Enough

You don't need to be the perfect parent and do all these things every single day. Taking the time to do them when you can will make all the difference for your child. Children only need you to do your best. What matters most is that you are trying and that your children see you trying. Being a parent is hard, and takes heart, courage, and persistence. It means more to be there through the hard times and miss the mark sometimes than to only try when the wind is just right and you know you can hit the bull's eye.

If you've been struggling for a while with one or more issues with your child, it's okay to ask for help. In fact, it's more than okay—it's being a good parent! Even the best parents can get to a point where their children's issues exceed their capacities to understand or to cope. Kids don't always know how to explain what's bothering them, and when it's complicated, professional help can make all the difference. A professional can help you dig deeper and offer some new ideas, perspectives, and techniques to address the challenges you face.

In conclusion, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they're perfect is living in a fantasy. While we want to be as close to the target of good parenting as possible, life and human nature doesn’t always allow for perfection or even close to it. That's okay. Our kids can not only survive our mistakes but need us to make some to learn how to be independent and cope in an imperfect world.

So in this case, close only counts for horseshoes, hand grenades, and parenting!